I apologize beforehand for the use of a not-very-nice metaphor, but…
Does anyone else ever feel like a spider with each leg being pulled in a seperate direction?
As an MK (Missionary Kid), there’s already a resignation to the idea of a scattered life, but this is different.
This is when each foot is on a different skateboard and you’re doing 100 km/hour downhill and the one skateboard starts going to the right and one starts going to the left and –
There are so many passions and dreams and desires cooking away in the cauldron of my heart – good things, sweet things, that I believe God has given me.
I have commitments to my family, my friends, and Congo. I want to study ethnomusicology, to make music! And yet I feel torn….
I love Congo and so I want to pray for Congo and study Congo’s history and prepare for Congo and speak to people about Congo and save money for Congo and plan a trip to Congo in September and…..
I love my family and I want to love them and I want to create memories and I want to forge bonds that will hold into eternity and I want to somehow inspire my little sisters to love the things that capture my heart and….
I love my friends and I want to have more friends and I want to be there for them and I want to spend time making them gifts and cards and going on walks and making music and…..
I love music like crazy and I want to study it well and then go to Congo….but I need to audition, and I need a new flute for that and I want a cello SO bad but both are expensive and how can I spend money that I don’t technically have and I know there are so many other needs? Where will the money come from for university and travels and ?
I love the personality Jesus has given me. I love it that HE loves it when I get excited about His ideas, when His beauty brings me to tears. This mind that wants to know everything yet has a hard time concentrating on anything….! I want to learn life skills and baking and cooking and gardening and I want to play sports and I want to learn to paint with pastels and do calligraphy and to counsel and to listen and a hundred and one other things (like, slowing down would be one of them!).
There are times when I get the feeling that with all these forces tugging at me from different pieces, I’m going to be pulled to bits.
So my prayer for this roller-coaster time of my life is that I will not be pulled to bits by conflicting ambitions and desires. By God’s grace, I want all these pieces of life, all these good and beautiful gifts and passions He has given me, to merge together into a unified life of worship. By God’s grace, I want to find the one who is All in All in everything and everyone and everyplace. I want to dance the steps He’s planned for me, and I want to live for eternity, right where I am today.
So desire and discipline need to meet in my life.
Faith can make me fly and sometimes I wonder why I bother to learn how to walk. But there’s a race to run, and I can’t always blow dandelions and count daisy petals.
So give me faith that moves me to love.
I need stability. I need the Rock. I need my family. There are days I feel like life’s a cage and there are days I feel like life’s an open sky to soar through. Days I feel like I’m getting a taste of hell, and days I feel like I could really be at the end of that elusive rainbow.
Feelings shouldn’t alter faith. Faith needs to keep on leading to love.
So I ask humbly for prayer – that I will be God-led, Christ-filled, motivated by the Spirit, following HIM, not my own deceptive heart. Pray that all in my life can become worship to this one God? Thank you.
Blessings on each of you as you live the resurrected life – live Easter-lives.